Supporting an Adoption

(An easy reference guide for family and friends)

This is what our Social Worker gave us...

Pre-Adoption:

DO accept the decision to adopt without question
DO accept the choice of child or match with birthparent
DO remain positive and enthusiastic during waiting periods
DO offer to give practical help if needed
DO respect the adoptive family's judgement on details they prefer to keep confidential

DON'T react as if adoption is "second best" or a "noble" choice (or push the possibility of future "miracle" pregnancies)
DON'T question the ability or readiness of the couple to parent an adopted child
DON'T question the credentials of the agency or criticize its procedures (including cost)
DON'T incessantly ask for news during the waiting time (Well, we know you want to know, that is why we have this blog! )
DON'T probe for details about the child's or birth parent's past

Post-Placement

DO be happy for the newly adopted child and family
DO respect that every member of the new family needs time to settle and become adjusted
DO understand the adoptive parents cannot be as sensitive or responsive to your needs as they usually are (As with all new parents!)
DO help the adoptive parents as needed with household chores, but allow the adoptive parents to do all of the baby care and feeding during the first several weeks. (Remember, we haven't had 9 months of in utero bonding!)
DO give your support during difficult times by expressing your confidence in the new parents

DON'T feel sorry for the newly adopted child
DON'T make the usual demands on the adoptive parents' time during the adjustment period
DON'T tell other family members or friends personal information about the child's history or birth family history (Super important for that info to be shared by us... with other people AND with our child.)
DON'T use negative adoption language (Maybe I will make a post about that one day. I never knew about correct adoption terminology before starting this journey!)
DON'T plan baby showers until after the birth mother's rights are terminated (No "surprises" please! Thanks!)
(Portions from Supporting and Adoption by Pat Holmes, purple comments from me!)

Top 10 questions/statements adoptive couples hate to hear:

"Do you have contact with your child's "real" mother?"
"She is such a beautiful child. How could her mother have given her up?"
Asking the above questions with the adopted child present!
"Well, I hope your kids turn out better than my sister's - her adopted children have been nothing but trouble!"
"DO you think it's fair to your (mixed race) child to bring him into this (Caucasian) community?"
"What do you know about the "natural" mother? Did she use drugs? Has the baby been tested?"
"Why do you want to adopt - You can just have one of mine!" (Laugh) or similar comments (Ok, really?!?)
"Adoption is fine for you, but I could never do that!"
"Is he adopted or is he "yours"?
"Now that you've adopted, I bet you'll have one of "your own"
"Why don't you use a sperm donor?"
"Don't you want to experience pregnancy and labor?"
(By the way, we have heard most of these and we totally know people don't mean to say things that are rude...you just don't know what is right or wrong to say unless you've been there...)
(From A Verse Each Day, by Jennifer Dishman as seen in Stepping Stones Newsletter)