Emotions

This post might get long and rambling...so beware! But that is what a blog is for, right?!? LOL

I have been very emotional the last couple of days and realized that a lot of my emotion was surrounding our adoption. I realized that although I tried not to, I listened to everyone who said they didn't think we would have a long wait and set myself up for disappointment. Granted, 4 months is not a ridiculous amount of time at all! haha But for some reason I had March in my head and here we are half way through March with no exciting news. This post is all about me being transparent...not correct!

In November when we submitted our profile we were told that everyone loves our profile and have been told that several times since. It is so hard to think that this profile that we created, this 12 page book about us, is how a woman will choose us to raise the child she is carrying and loves so much. We had 12 pages to show who we are, what we believe, the kind of life we will give our child, what is important to us, etc. Realistically our past, present, and future (as well as the future of our children) are being evaluated in 12 pages. I sit and think sometimes, what must the birth families think as they look through so many profiles? Were we able to convey who we are? Does it make sense? Can they hear our heart?

We received our second denial letter from grants we had applied for today. That is tough too. Not the money aspect really...but that they base whether or not they will give us funding based on the story that we tell. Now that might not seem like it has much to do with the profile, but it does in my brain! I start to wonder...was our story not moving enough, special enough? No, we don't have a long drawn out dramatic story. We are just two people who want very much to raise a little family in a little house, in a little town. Does that make us ununique (Which I'm sure isn't a word!)? Now, my head knows that funding is tight...I work at a non profit for heaven sake! lol So I know that it isn't anything personal. But my heart does hurt sometimes.

Most days I am just excited about our adoption...but there are hard days too. Today is a hard day. I know that someday we will look back on this time of waiting and it will seem so short in the grand scheme of things, but today it feels long.

I know that God's timing is so perfect. I know that He already knows who our child will be. I know that even if we wait for a year, or more (!) that it will be right because that is the child God intended for us. But me, from my tiny perspective, says I want Him to hurry up! lol I want to get to the next part of this journey!

My heart has been set on being a mom for the last 4 years. The last 4 months so much more so! I have heard so many comments like, oh you'll see, just wait until you are a mom, or you can't even imagine...just wait. (For many different scenarios) Well I already know! In my heart I am already there! I hate getting angry over silly and totally innocent comments, and I don't say anything, but I want to freak out sometimes! I am yelling on the inside! haha (And the just wait comments...well I am queen of just waiting, so you don't need to tell me that! ;) ) BTW...I am not directing this AT anyone...so please don't take it personally!

I feel that in order for this blog to be a true reflection of our adoption process, it is important to allow you to see the not so rosy side.

I feel so blessed, and I know Jake does too, that God chose us to be adoptive parents. While there are some of "Those Days" I am so thankful to be able to give it back to God and know that He has a plan. Not sure how people can go through life without a relationship with God!

There you have it, my first rant. haha

:)